The Valen-dictorian

Posted on Feb 12, 2015

  With the arrival of the dreaded V-day on the horizon, we are often found comparing ourselves to those around us. We do this for obvious reasons: We are not in a committed relationship, we don’t have the opportunity to be in a committed relationship, or we simply don’t WANT to be in a committed relationship. These are just a few of the things that make us dislike or dread the ubiquitous  Valentine’s Day. It’s a rite of passage just like New Year’s Eve kiss at the stroke of the New Year.
But what do they all have in common? Committed relationships! Is it just me or does the sound of those two words make your throat slowly tighten? I find it a travesty that our society plants this seed in our minds that the only way to truly be happy is to have that one and only significant other. Whatever happened to the idea of independence? What is so wrong with being content with just yourself? Because really, in the end, all you truly have is yourself. And the fact that we have a set day of the year completely dedicated to celebrating such a dependent, insecure subject is beyond me. While all you so-called “love birds” are out celebrating this mockery of a holiday, the rest of us will be working, reading or doing whatever makes us happy by ourselves because we can see through the sappy idea of romantic love.
Step 1: The PRIMPING or….PRIMING THE PUMP
The time to exfoliate your skin, soften up those lips and, for those with the facial hair, it is essential that you clean up those wild, bristly stray hairs. I mean, come on, do you really think your Valentine is going to accept you any other way?
Purring Buddha lip balms (assortment of flavors) yummmm.... smooooth kissable lips
Hmmmmm…..these lip balms taste sooo goood! I want him to try them all! What flavor will he like the best? Jasmine? Cherry Vanillia? Excitemint!!! Ohhhh…. yeah, that’s it’s…….ExciteMINT does get me excited and makes my lips all tingly…..that’s the one for sure…..God…. Purring Buddha!!!! Sooo many flavors!
image3Soooo wait? Will he be clean shaven? I hope so because I hate getting my skin chaffed. Good thing there’s this FACE THE DAY. Should I get it for him? Neh….but if he’s not smooth I wont’ kiss him….
Step 2: Gettin’ GIFTY with it… Na Na Na Na Na N’ Na
This step may be the most crucial and valued higher than anything by your significant other. What good is being tied dowsomeone if they are even buying you stuff? You must find the most gimecky yet most meaningful gift money can buy! What’s better than matching T-shirts?! Am I right??  OMG you two are adorable! His and Hers. Let’s Do It!!!
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Arghhh… Ok maybe not frogs? Maybe He’ll like Foxes better….yeah…Foxes for sure….
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Wait…. did I say foxes or frogs? Shit….You kiss a frog he’ll turn into a Prince…nah….my Prince IS a frog….or. wait huh? What were we talking about again? Oh yeah….matching tee-shirts.
Step 3: Finding the perfect Get-Up
You ask yourself the typical, vein question, “But what will I WEAR?”. If one thing is for certain, no partner can resist an outfit that looks like Cupid inserted an arrow in your rear….Think Pink! Or…errrr. OK Red. Insert hearts here. And insert Wayne Newton…..Blah blah blah. You will find that your lover won’t be able to keep their hands off of you! Rawwwwr
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Arghhhh….. OK I hate this outfit! What should I wear? OK 1st or 2nd outfit? Ugh…this one makes me look fat. HELP! Dress or !skirt. The dress makes me look thinner…but I love the way my legs look in the skirt. I’m going NUTS !
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Step 4: “The Ritual”
We all know why this holiday is really anticipated: It’s the one night of the year that you can expect an “enjoyable” time with that special someone…. If you know what I mean. So light some candles, serve up your best wine and bring your A-game because tonight is THE night.
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With that being said, Happy Valentine’s Day Sweethearts! I hope all your sappy, romantic fantasies come true.

 Sincerely,

The Purveyors of the Oddly Beautiful